I had thought things were going pretty well. But talking to people at Showdown today, it seems like everyone has been through two or three relationships since the last time I saw them. And I haven’t had any. I’ve been spending my time doing a lot of great things, and I feel like I’ve really made a difference in the world in the past several months. But I wonder if I’ve been burying myself in work to hide from the fact that I still end up alone every night.

Back in college, Lee once commented to me how weird and mysterious it is how people go from being friends or acquaintances to being in a relationship. I recently had been feeling that the mystery was behind me and that when the next good opportunity for a relationship came along, I’d be ready for it. But seeing how fast other people are doing it makes me feel like I’m out of the loop again. At the time, I thought it would happen between me and Lee. It didn’t happen, and I really wanted it to–I was so fascinated by the way she would talk about seemingly any topic, and by her focus and by her optimism. I never figured out what went wrong, and I’m still sad and disappointed with myself that I couldn’t figure out how to start a relationship with her.

So I left the dance for a few minutes to sit under a tree and dismantle my racket. I do feel a lot better after recognizing the cover-up, although it’s so easy to fall back on the anger:

My persistent complaint is: that no one takes the time to get to know me.
My fixed way of being is: angry and exasperated.
What I’m pretending is: that it’s not urgent for me to find a relationship.
What I’m covering up is: that I think I’m better than other men.
The payoff is: I get to be right and make others wrong; I get to avoid domination.
The impact on myself and others is: I isolate myself from talking with and having friendships with men; I constantly feel like I need to prove myself to women, which prevents them from seeing the real me.
(did I miss any steps?)

– edit October 11, 2008, 19:58 CDT –

I did miss a step, as Danielle reminds me http://avh4.livejournal.com/7457.html :

The possibility I am creating for myself and my life is: the possibility of joyful self-expression and playfulness.